This Post Has Nothing To Do With Knitting.

For a long time I have teetered on the edge of Atheism and Agnostic. Events in the last few days may have just shoved me right into Atheism. I pretty much abandoned faith a really long time ago, I've never prayed, I have relied on myself and family to get me through the hard times. I've never ha a problem with people who have faith, love Jesus, quote the Bible, and things like that. They are very free to believe whatever they want, it's not my business.

However.

Recent events in America have prompted some (not all) to scream that we need religion in school. Simply put, no we do not. If I want my children to read the Bible, pray, and all of the other things that go along with religious teachings, they will have those things. The separation of church and state are a thing. It is not OK to force religion on anybody, EVER. If you're so serious are about religion in school there is an option for you, private school. Those people are also operating under the assumption that Atheists and Agnostics have no morals. I assure you they do. In fact my Atheist friends in most cases have better moral compasses than my Christian friends (see: Loving their fellow man is #1 on this list). I am raising my children without a religious background, if they want to learn about God, religion, the Bible, I will most certainly provide them with the tools they need to make their own decision about God. So far though, they aren't curious.

The other elephant in the room these days is guns.

On Friday the 14th 28 people were murdered in an elementary school in Connecticut. I will not name the shooter here because quite frankly we all know his name.

Some are advocating arming teachers. Let's think about this for a second......

What if teachers don't want to be armed. Are people advocating the forced arming of teachers? Probably not but the implication is there. Would an armed teacher have saved lives? Maybe, maybe not. There is no way of knowing really.

I'm not a fan of guns, my extended family owns guns and they hunt. I'm ok with that. They are all responsible with their firearms. I personally reject guns, I don't want one, I don't need one. People keep telling me I need one because I live in a "high crime" area of Minneapolis, it's high crime because my part of Minneapolis is the one that makes the news when something horrible happens. That's another rant entirely. Just so naysayers are aware, the crime rate in Edina is higher than in my neighborhood of Minneapolis. They ask, "well what if someone breaks into your house?" I've had my house broken into twice in 15 years. If they steal my TV that's fine, I have homeowners insurance, being broken into is why I pay for it every month. I hope that person really needed the money they got for my possessions. If I had a gun in my home and it was stolen in one of those break ins it would have been another gun on the streets used to commit a violent crime. If somebody broke into my home while I was home, a gun would be completely worthless to me in part because I wouldn't have a loaded gun in my home, people who store loaded weapons are asking for trouble in my opinion. Even if I brandished a weapon at a potential intruder I doubt very much that I could fire the damn thing to defend myself, I could end up being pistol whipped and raped or something. These are all scenarios my husband and I have come up with when talking about getting a gun. We decided a gun just was not worth the trouble.

A real conversation on two topics needs to be had in this country though. A meaningful conversation about gun control needs to be had. I would endorse bringing back the assault rifle ban, maybe flagging ammo for large purchases, large capacity magazines have also got to go, gun shows need better regulation also. If anyone can provide me with any evidence that these requests are unreasonable I will gladly listen, but if you say "because Obama is Hitler and will march us all into death camps". I will lose my fucking mind. Obama expanded hunting on national parks and gave you .45 caliber ammo. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence gave him an F rating for failing to push gun legislation. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Obama and the liberals (count me in that group) don't want your guns, we want people to not get killed by guns anymore.

The other conversation we need to have, mental health. Most of these shootings are perpetrated by people who are mentally unstable. We do not value mental health as much as we should in this country. Depression, anxiety, other problems for people are so much more than those commercials that usually show what looks like a really sad person in their bathrobe, while a gentle voice tells us how the medication may make your loved one want to kill themselves anyway. Dealing with a loved one who has bi-polar disorder has shown me exactly how important mental health is. It's more than moping around in yor bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. It's not being able to quiet your brain down so you can have a single thought. It's knowing that your family loves you but not being able believe it because somewhere inside your head something is telling you it's a lie. It's being on a high swing and everything is fantastic and then you feel the downswing coming and you struggle against it because you don't like how you feel when you're down. These are things that people deal with every-damn-day and we treat it like they're just sad. I get sad, my family member does not get sad, that person gets emotionally, and mentally abusive to themselves. Watching it happen from the outside is difficult. You spend much of a downswing trying to convince someone that you love them and that you are just trying to help them, even though you know it is futile. You try to hold this person, you love so dearly, together. You  see the downswing coming, you prepare for it. Things that you normally say in jest are sometimes taken too seriously, you really concentrate on thinking before you speak to avoid a meltdown. This is not being sad, this is a goddamn disorder. We need to start talking about and treating these things. Mental health is just as important as physical health, yet we seem to value neither.

I am debating on turning the comments off for this post, keep it civil so I don't have too. Because as you all know, I'm lazy.

Why I Won't Knit You Anything.

I love knitting. LOVE IT. I hate knitting commission pieces. Anytime someone asks me if I will knit them a sweater or mittens or anything, I get a little cranky. The only exception to this rule is my mom. My mom can ask me to knit what ever she wants and I will happily oblige.

Reason #1.
You can't afford my time. I'm really not trying to sound like I'm full of myself the fact of the matter is you really cannot afford my time. After working on Norma for the last two weeks I figure I have roughly 52 hours invested in her. She is a gift for a family member for Christmas. If I was to knit something similar to Norma for someone and charge for my time (say minimum wage) they simply would not be able to afford the piece. I'm uncomfortable quoting people what my time would cost blah, blah, blah. Stop asking me. I'm more than happy to teach you to knit though.

Reason #2.
Knitting is my hobby, not my job. I get paid to do things I kind of don't want to do, I like my job but it's not knitting. Knitting is the thing that I do when I get home from work since setting things on fire is illegal. When you start offering to "pay me" (see reason #1) my hobby starts feeling like a job. So, no, money never sweetens the deal.

Reason #3.
I have crafty ADD. Chances are if your asking me to make something, I've already made it. I've moved on to the next shiny object in my Ravelry queue unless I really liked making that object I probably won't make it again. Quit trying to drag me back to "that one thing" you saw me post on my Facebook page. I'm not exactly "loyal" to my projects. I have multiple things on needles and I switch between them often. I would hate to have you waiting on something because I saw a super cute something or other that I HAD to start. Also, only knitting one thing at a time because I have too makes me hate that thing and I no longer want to make it.

Yes, I know this sounds harsh and mean and I'm sorry for that (not really). I make things for people because I know they will love them and because I want them to have it.

Am I the only knitter that feels this way?

Why I'm A Horrible Mother

*Note this post may be rambly and error filled with run on sentences, poor grammar, and punctuation abuse. I don't care. It is for my mental health that I write this.

I am a bad mom.

There I said it.

I can't stop crying as I write this.

I fear I may have screwed up my children for good. I have 3 kids, I adore them. I love them and cherish them. They are brilliant, but they have me for a mother. I am angry, loud, unapologetic, and I just generally don't care what people say or think about me. I have yelled, screamed, and on some occasions said some really horrible things to my kids and I regret all of it.

I'm only writing this now because I just scheduled my lovely, sweet, daughter to see a child psychologist. She is violent and angry at school. And it's my fault. I failed somewhere. I failed my 6 yr old little girl. I did something along the way that turned her into an angry monster. I don't know what I did but I did it. I tried to show her love but I failed at that also. I'm starting to think I'm completely incapable of purveying the emotion of love the way one is supposed too. I know I love my family but perhaps they don't know I love them. Is this even possible?

Why can't I just love my children like all of those other moms who happily dote on their children? Why can't my entire world revolve around them? That's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it? Why don't I feel that way?

I'm selfish. That's the only answer. I like my time. I like things a certain way.

This is going to be hard for some people to read but I was abused (ok , that woman beat me) by my step mother who really wanted me to be someone that was seen and not heard. I was not to step out of line. If we went out to dinner I was to be quiet and sit still. If I picked leaves off the trees to make "soup" I would be punished by having my hands beaten with a rubber spatula. If I didn't like the raw zucchini in my salad because it tasted like a musty sponge smelled I would have to eat it and then I when threw it up at the dinner table, because I wasn't excused, I would have to stare at it until dinner was done. When I wrote on my hand with a Sharpie, cleanser and a green 3M scrubbie thing were employed to remove the marker from my hands. If I fell asleep in the corner while standing in it for 90 minutes I would be slapped on the back of the head so hard my face would slam into the wall.

I have done none of these things to my kids but because I was raised in this fashion I expect things that I learned out of sheer terror to be second nature to my kids. I have actually said out loud "Why won't you just sit still in this restaurant?" Like they're just supposed to know that you're supposed to sit perfectly still and not say a thing while eating out. Who really expects kids to do that? I did. I have no idea why. I wouldn't take my kids out to eat for the longest time because I wasn't sure how they'd behave and I might be triggered in some way. That I might lose my shit in  some way and be just like her, like my step mother. I still get nervous when we go out and I do micro-manage the shit out of my kids, I can't help it.

The only thing I've ever tried to do successfully as a mother was not be her. I'm not her. I still yell too much and sometimes there is some favoritism, but I love these kids all the same.

This is all can write for now. I need to think about how I can make this better....

Risk Vs. Reward

I've only been knitting for three almost four years. I'm not a new knitter but I'm not an expert either. That being said, I will try to knit anything. Those things on the pattern that tell you how difficult it is, I ignore them. If I was confused about something on a pattern I looked it up on youtube or googled it. Knitting in the internet age is probably easier than it ever has been. When I first taught myself to knit I made all things dish clothes, I made lace ones, cable ones, straight stockinette, and knit on the bias ones. We had cotton dish clothes coming out of our ears. My husband actually said, "well, you've mastered dish clothes are you planning on making something else?"

I decided I would make an afghan. The pattern called for 15 x 15 seed stitch squares that would then be seamed into a larger blanket. I got real bored real fast but I have an afghan that my husband stole and loves even though the seaming looks like garbage. The point is I learned a lot.

Next up was the project that made me quake in my Chuck's.

The Twilight movie had just come out and there was a pair of mittens in the movie that everyone wanted. The Bella Mittens. A friend of mine wanted a pair. I thought I can do this even though I've never knit in the round and have no idea what Magic Loop knitting is. I'm a smart girl I can figure it out. I did figure it out and made like eight pairs of those mittens.

My point is, do not ever be afraid to take on a challenge. The internet has a ton of resources to help you figure it out. Other knitters on twitter will help, my favorite person to ask for advice is @atknitsend. She is so full of knowledge and her knitting is fantastic. Go check her blog. Now.

I guess what I'm saying is, be confident in your abilities, be bold, try something you never ever thought you'd be able to do. Forget the voice in your head telling you that it's too hard. That voice is an asshole.

What was the biggest challenge you took on as a new knitter? Were you successful?

Second post of the day... Since the first one was so happy.

Felted mittens. I am making felted mittens. I got a lovely skein of Stitch Nation Highland Wool (would love to put a link there but the site is down or something). I have cast these on probably five or six times. Not because the yarn is terrible or anything, it's because I just wasn't happy. I'm using a random pattern as a guideline but I've knit so many pairs of mittens I figured I didn't need a pattern. I do the same thing with plain socks. I just make them. The first time I cast on I decided my needle size was wrong, ripped it out. Second time I decided that I had too many stitches, ripped it out.Third time I had the wrong needle size and too many stitches cast on, ripped it again. By this time the yarn is starting to look pretty sad but who cares I'm felting them.

So last night before I headed downtown to hang out with the always hilarious Betsy at the Twins game (they lost), I cast on one last time. I am finally happy.

I got to The Depot at like 6:15 sat down at a table by myself and ordered a Premium. Let me tell you knitting in a bar full of people while in Downtown Minneapolis having a beer was GLORIOUS! (that needed all caps) I usually knit on the bus where people try to talk to me while I'm counting out loud so knitting in public isn't new to me. Knitting at the bar however is. Nobody bothered me but I did quite a few curious glances. Then Betsy showed up and said "I love that you're knitting right now." 

I loved that I was knitting as well.

I'm a feminist and I'm not even sorry about it.

That's right guys. I'm an unrepentant feminist.

I have been very quiet for the last few days trying to pick the right words for how I feel about all of the bullshit said about rape by Todd Akin this week, I should include this little nugget from Paul Ryan. What the hell? These men actually believe these things? *dies a little inside*

This whole thing is about abortion. I have my feelings about abortion, I'm for it, in any case. I'm so sick to death of the Right trying to control women. If you don't like abortion don't have one. It's really that simple. I personally could really care less if you've had one or not, I will instead judge you by how you treat puppies.

Some of you who have followed me on Twitter for awhile know that last January I came out about my abortion. I am not sorry I had one. It was the best decision I ever made. If I had to make the decision again at that time the result would be the same. My parents left that decision up to me, they didn't try to sway me, my boyfriend even left me alone to make that decision. Abortion is not easy. Women who have them agonize over it. It's not a fun thing to do. Dammit. I'm tired of people thinking it's the easy way out. It's not easy. It's hard. Abortion is a life choice. A choice that no one except a woman who may need one can make. Leave abortion alone.

Norma

Norma, Norma, Norma.

I love Norma.

I fell in love with this pattern the second I laid eyes on it. I rushed through finishing another project to get to this one. I ordered the yarn. I learned a new cast on. It feels like this pattern has tried to thwart me at every turn.

1. Halfway through the pattern I learned that the charts I was using would lead me to make a smaller blanket...

Great.

I went to the pattern's Rav page and got the chart I needed to make a larger blanket.

2. Not enough yarn. I had ordered yarn based on original instructions which called for 5 skeins of yarn. Two weeks into the project I learned I would need 7 skeins of yarn. The problem with this is it is incredibly hard to get yarn from the same dye lot 2 weeks later. I lucked out, Knit Picks somehow sent me two more skeins from the same dye lot. Dye lot fairy?

3. After 3 more weeks of knitting and 5 seasons of Weeds on Netflix instant streaming, I learned that I don't have enough yarn to bind off and have the really pretty border that the pattern has. This drives me crazy!

4. Ran out of yarn during the bind off. This sucks. Hard. I'm going to tink the bind off and use a bigger needle. Start hoping for me guys. I need some hope right now.

It's not the fault of the yarn, it could be the pattern, it could be me. Who knows.

Norma has fought me tooth and nail and I still love her. Like a child who argues too much and tells you "you are the meanest mommy EVER!" I still love her.